Don't tell me

I know that when someone is dying that there are certain things that you are suppose to say to the family. But for my siblings and I, it is very different. She was our friend, our diary, and our biggest fan. I don't want to hear that she is in a better place. I don't want to hear that she is no longer in pain. She is by herself dying in a cold white room and I can not get there. There is NO words that are going to take away my guilt. I should be there holding her hand and stroking her hair and kissing her cheek. Don't tell me that she is not really there and that is a shell. That shell made me, that heart beat next me and those arms loved me. So don't tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty for not holding her. Call me selfish but I want her here. I want to yell at her for smoking. I want to tell her to drink a glass of water instead of that nasty Pepsi and I want her to give me useless mommy advice. I love my mom and desperately miss her already....